Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize