Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
