Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Is Oprah even human
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
