Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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