i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
