hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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