so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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