Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize