you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
