i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
