Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
