my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
