i don't like sucking hair
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
