I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
