I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
