my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
