Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Plan B is the new Plan A
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
