your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize