I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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