Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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