If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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