My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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