I think im going to throw up on grandma
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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