He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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