Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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