new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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