you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
