Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize