the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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