I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
