my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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