theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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