tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
