your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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