I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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