sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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