I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
