Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize