Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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