What did we do last night that was yellow?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
