Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
