so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
