wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
