Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
where are my eyebrows?
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