i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i love accidental penises.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
