Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
