im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
