census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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