After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
