Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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