Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
