my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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