Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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