Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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