I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize