There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
