mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
