He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
