I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize