hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
