she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize