I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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