im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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